It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.

However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our Human Resources department have compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:

OLD PHRASE : Absolutely no fucking chance 
NEW PHRASE: I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible

OLD PHRASE : You lying cunt 
NEW PHRASE: Are you quite sure about that?

OLD PHRASE : Tell someone who gives a fuck 
NEW PHRASE: Have you informed the management about that?

OLD PHRASE : It’s got fuck all to do with me 
NEW PHRASE: I don’t think I was involved in that project

OLD PHRASE : Shove a brush up my arse and I’ll sweep the fucking floor as well 
NEW PHRASE: Would you like me to do that for you as well?

OLD PHRASE : Am I the only twat here 
NEW PHRASE: Would someone else care to answer the telephone

OLD PHRASE : You haven’t got a fucking clue 
NEW PHRASE: Perhaps you need a little more training in this

OLD PHRASE : This place has gone to rat shit 
NEW PHRASE: The office is looking a little untidy

OLD PHRASE : Eat shit and die mother fucker 
NEW PHRASE: I think I told you this would happen

OLD PHRASE: You over paid shit for brains 
NEW PHRASE: You’re my boss and I respect that

OLD PHRASE : Fuck off smart arse 
NEW PHRASE: Well-done

OLD PHRASE : She’s a ball-busting bitch 
NEW PHRASE: She’s a full time career woman

OLD PHRASE : Get out of my face, dog breath 
NEW PHRASE: I don’t think I require your assistance

OLD PHRASE : Raving fucking arse bandit 
NEW PHRASE: He’s very much in touch with his feminine side

OLD PHRASE : Boy, are you in the shit 
NEW PHRASE: Does the boss know about this?

OLD PHRASE : Kiss my fucking arse 
NEW PHRASE: I’d rather not if you don’t mind

OLD PHRASE : Who the fuck are you? 
NEW PHRASE: Are you new here?

OLD PHRASE : No cunt told me 
NEW PHRASE: I wasn’t given that piece of information

OLD PHRASE : What sort of clueless fuck wit are you? 
NEW PHRASE: You haven’t done this before, have you?

OLD PHRASE: You’ve made a right cock-up of that 
NEW PHRASE: It’s the sort of mistake anyone could make

OLD PHRASE: I’m dying for a shit 
NEW PHRASE: I’m going to wash my hands

OLD PHRASE: It’s fucked It’s broken
NEW PHRASE: I think I can fix it

OLD PHRASE: It’s completely fucked 
NEW PHRASE: It’s broken beyond repair

OLD PHRASE : Fuck off 
NEW PHRASE: I’d like to be alone for a while if you don’t mind

OLD PHRASE : Fuck off you cunt 
NEW PHRASE: You are a very rude man